Author: kHo (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Pairings: J/W, W/E, E/J
Summary: Elizabeth is adjusting to her new life as a stay at home wife and mother, but Will is not doing quite so well.
Notes: 5th in the series. Wanna hear something funny? I wrote this while listening to 2Pac. Who the hell knew 2Pac was conducive to PotC?
Elizabeth is doing well with her new life as a stay at home wife and mother. I don't know if the transition from life of a pirate to life as my wife was an easy one or one she simply learned to live with while I was away at sea, but she seems to have adjusted extraordinarily well. There are times I catch her staring at the sea with a longing in her, but I always expected as much. She shows her love for us every day, and that's really all I was asking for.
James is growing into quite the young man. His 14 years suit him well. He's actually quite practiced at having a natural charm to him I don't think I've ever developed, and am not quite sure where he got it in a town like Tortuga. He acts now as I wished I had when I was older than he is. He speaks with an ease to everyone, and that's what makes me most proud. He'll speak just as readily to the men with tattered shirts and dirt stained pants as he will the Commodore when he comes to visit. He has no shyness to him at all, a trait which I'm sure he's gotten from his mother.
Samuel is another sort, one I'm afraid is a little too close to his father for my or Elizabeth's comfort. He's very shy, and almost unwilling to talk to anyone that he hasn't spoken to before. I know this is hard to believe with the exuberance he talks to you with, but when it's a stranger he's quiet as a mouse. He seems to have an inherent apology in his stance, but he's a strong willed lad so I don't worry too much about him. The shyness he'll grow out of, I'm sure.
The Commodore, should you care, is to marry Elizabeth's former bedchamber maid, Estrella. She is certainly well matched to Norrington. Very quiet and soft-spoken, yet with a quiet strength that you get to glimpse every once in a while when she's willing to show it. She has a way of smoothing his frequently ruffled feathers that makes me very happy for him. He's a good man, Jack; I only wish the two of you would be able to accept the other.
And you, you're doing
And that is why I am writing this letter, Jack, for I have no idea how you are doing. I've not seen you in a year and a half, nor have I heard more from you than an occasional letter detailing excursions you've been on. We mean more to each other than mere facts and details, Jack. I understand you're not the sort of man to divulge his feelings readily, but I wish you would tell me why you've not come to visit since the last I saw you. I wish you'd share with me your feelings.
I'm not doing that well, Jack. Oh, I'm doing fine on the surface. I forge many swords, and they've got perfect balance and glint with deadly accuracy as they should. I care for my kids and make sure they never go without what they need, or want when I can afford it. I care for my wife, and love her as much as I ever have, and we are doing well with mending the rifts that have been driven between us in her absence. I guess you could say I have everything in my life as it should be for me to be happy. But I'm only as happy as I can be without you in my life any longer.
I never knew it was possible to love someone, to be in love with someone, when you love another so completely. And I love Elizabeth with all of my heart, I have since I looked up into her sweet face when my ship capsized crossing the Spanish Main when I was 10. I think I must have two hearts, because the love I feel for you feels just as desperate, just as whole, as the love I feel for her. I love you with everything in me as well and I ache that I haven't seen you.
I've not told Elizabeth of my feelings for you, nor what transpired between us when we sailed a year and a half ago. I've not told her of the things you spoke of to me late into the night as you held me in your arms. I've not told her that my heart fills with love at the very thought of your smile, gold teeth and all. I've not told her that I miss your touch, your kisses, or the way you look at me after we've spent ourselves in your chambers.
There's a conflict within me every day to pretend I am as happy as I have every reason to be. I should wake up with a smile on my face and go to sleep with the same. I should hug my kids and be glad to be home and be glad that my wife loves me more than the freedom she finds at sea. I should understand that you've been committed to the sea longer than I've been alive, and that a year and a half isn't really all that long where you're concerned.
None of that is the case. Not one of them. I love my kids, I love my wife, and yet every day I look out at the ocean and hope to see the sails of the Black Pearl come into the harbor. I stand on the bluffs and hope the winds pull you my way, because I want to see you just one more time. Elizabeth has started to notice my emotional distance from our family, and while she's not questioned it, it's only a matter of time. For the first time since we've been together, I don't know what to tell her.
I don't expect you to give up your life Jack, but I won't let you deprive me of it either.
I don't want your letters. I don't want to know details of treasure. I don't want to hear about Gibbs' dalliance with a lady in Singapore. I don't want to know that Anamaria has found her own ship and is twice the pirate you thought she was. I want you, here, with me, to tell me why you've effectively dropped off the face of my earth.
If this is goodbye Jack, I need you to tell me to my face.
Love Always, William Turner
Why have I not written often? Why have I not visited? Why do I not divulge my personal feelings to you in the few letters I've sent in the past year?
The answer to all is the same: I am a coward.
I'm a pirate, William, and as such I am inherently greedy. I pride myself on not being as greedy as others (such as Barbossa, may he rest in eternal turmoil) but I am greedy.
I've loved you since we met. Since that first time we crossed blades, I knew there was something special in you. In your eternal sense of fairness, and the earnestness with which you pursued what you felt was right. I envied the certainty you had for your own, very strict, moral code.
You're not your father, but you're enough like him for me to say that you are not unlike him. You father too was strong willed and stubborn when it came to getting what he wanted. He had his moral code, and while it was not as virtuous as yours, he was just as unwilling to compromise it.
He was the closest thing I had to someone I could actually trust, and you are the closest I've had since. I lost him. I can't bear to lose you, so I've gone and left you haven't I?
I don't expect this to make sense to you, Will, but I've had what I've yearned for with you. I've tasted it. I've gotten to say `I love you' to your face, and I've been able to hear it back. I've been able to hear it with the same earnestness and honesty with which you speak of everything else you believe in.
And I fear what I'll find when I come back to Tortuga. I fear that when I see you once again with your lady love the jealousy that's always been there in the recesses will rear its ugly green head and consume me alive. I'm afraid I won't be able to leave you again as I left you on that dock a year and a half ago. You tore my soul from me that day, and I'm not sure if I can sustain the injuries again.
But I never meant to cause you pain, which was oblivious of me wasn't it? Staying away meant I didn't have to leave you again, but it also meant I'd abandoned you. And I would never abandon you intentionally, Will.
I'm a stupid, cowardly, hurtful man to have let you go so long without a true word from me, so you will see me again in Tortuga in two months time. I cannot guarantee I won't try to hold my true self from you, but I can guarantee that you won't let me away with it, so it'll work out in the end, won't it?
And Will? Please excuse the undeniable hypocrisy in this next statement, but you should tell your wife about us. It's not like you to lie, and while you may not be lying outright, it's a lie of omission, which is just as dishonest. If you truly care for Elizabeth, and I've no doubt you do, you know she has the right to know her husband's heart belongs to others as well as hers. Otherwise I've caused you to compromise your morals, inadvertently or no, and that's something I won't stand for.
Always and Forever, Captain Jack Sparrow
Additional Notes: This series is very much not over. I have no idea how much longer this will be, but I think I'm too tired right now, and to emotionally drained from writing this part, to continue today. Just realize I'm a romantic at heart, and I don't plan on ending this with everyone in misery. Don't quite know how it WILL end, but... it won't be suicide-inducing. LOL
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